Friday, September 25, 2009

Abusing men is ok...

Some examples

Amanda McCormick of Praxis International [...] said she knows "a lot of men who deserve to be beaten" during her keynote address at the annual conference of the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence. - from here
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Marrying The Hatchet My husband of two months has always treated me very well, and is usually thoughtful. But, one week before our wedding, he broke a promise. I hate the whole stripper thing, so he agreed to a coed party at a dueling piano bar. There was a strip club next door, but he promised he wouldn’t go in. All was well until I learned that he and his brother (who’s nothing but trouble) were at the strip club. I went over and went crazy and tossed an ashtray at his head. I was kicked out, they followed, and his brother yelled at me. I wanted to call off the wedding, but we still got married. Since then, I keep bringing this up and he keeps begging for forgiveness, saying he’d never been so drunk, and he didn’t know what he was doing. I just can’t understand how he could hurt me this way.
--Still So Angry Inside

If your husband tossed an ashtray at your head, do you think he’d be describing himself as “Still So Angry Inside” or “Still In Court Trying To Get The Charges Reduced”?
It doesn’t take much for domestic violence against men to be taken seriously…usually, just a chalk outline where a man’s body used to be. The rest of the time, people tend to shrug it off or even find it cute: “Well, well, well, she’s quite the firecracker!” Granted, male abusers can do much more damage with their fists, but put a heavy object in a woman’s hands, and good morning brain damage! (Just wondering…has your husband gotten the ashtray out of his skull, or does he have to hang around smoking areas with his head bent down so people have someplace to flick their ash?)
But, he broke his promise! Bummer. Human nature happens. If your husband’s a cad, why marry him at all (couldn’t get the catering deposit back)? If he’s a good guy who got drunk and slipped (maybe after his bro gave him a little push), why make him sorry he married you? Sure, if he keeps slipping, say, by tucking your monthly mortgage payment into some stripper’s g-string, that’s one thing. But, come on…two-plus months later, are you really reacting to what happened -- or just acting out as a means of controlling him? Consider what you’re doing to him and to your marriage by showing him that nothing he says or does makes the slightest bit of difference. As a friend of mine likes to say, “Your proctologist called. They found your head.”
You can stay married to your grudge or your husband, pick one. Frankly, you each have a lot of work to do in therapyland, individually and together. You have to deal with your uncontrollable anger and the underlying issues -- probably insecurity and fear of being ditched -- and get in the habit of expressing your fears instead of weaponizing them. Your husband needs to start standing up for himself -- for starters, by doing a Senator Craig and withdrawing his guilty plea. The correct response? The one your girlfriends would be pushing on you if the tables were turned: “There’s no excuse for domestic abuse!” (Physical or emotional.) Finally, the two of you should attend one of Dr. John Gottman’s research-based marriage weekends (gottman.com) and learn to have a partnership instead of a monarchy. Marital harmony can be yours, just not by getting your husband to “agree” to like what you like: stag parties featuring your fat, fully clothed co-workers burying their heads in plates of cake instead of some hot young thing leaping naked out of one. - from here

(A follow up on the above)

"There's no excuse for domestic abuse"...right? Well, not unless the abuser has a vagina. I wrote an Advice Goddess column, Marrying The Hatchet, condemning a woman for throwing an ashtray at her husband, and condemning the double standard that has people shrugging off domestic violence against men. Here's an excerpt of what I wrote:

If your husband tossed an ashtray at your head, do you think he’d be describing himself as “Still So Angry Inside” or “Still In Court Trying To Get The Charges Reduced”?

It doesn’t take much for domestic violence against men to be taken seriously…usually, just a chalk outline where a man’s body used to be. The rest of the time, people tend to shrug it off or even find it cute: “Well, well, well, she’s quite the firecracker!” Granted, male abusers can do much more damage with their fists, but put a heavy object in a woman’s hands, and good morning brain damage! (Just wondering…has your husband gotten the ashtray out of his skull, or does he have to hang around smoking areas with his head bent down so people have someplace to flick their ash?)

Here's an e-mail I got in response from an angry female reader:

Subject: Re: Domestic abuse isn't a one way street article

I just had to write back over this one. My mother sends me your articles and this one just set me off. Just like the woman whose husband went to a strip club, so did my husband of 10 years (we have 3 kids together). I have to say that I had much the same reaction as she did. I do not advocate any type of abuse from either side of a relationship, but going to a strip club IS JUST THAT....ABUSE. It is no different from hiring a hooker for sex except that you don't stick it in. I find it disgusting that you attack this woman for her reaction, and then advocate this strip club behavior as "normal". This world seems to put strippers on a pedestal these days and it is acceptable behavior for men to do these things. I have to say I absolutely disagree with you, I think the man did deserve an ashtray in his skull ( or perhaps the loss of one important piece he needs to get excited for strippers), and I think your advocating porn, hookers, and perversion is just disgusting. This behavior should not be legal ANYWHERE, but it seems that you're okay with having it in your life. I think that's sad, because I know that no matter how "crazy" the world may think my reaction to going to strip clubs is, I know that it is absolutely insane to sit back and accept live porn as normal, acceptable behavior.

My response:

You write: "I think the man did deserve an ashtray in his skull ( or perhaps the loss of one important piece he needs to get excited for strippers)"

I think you're scary.

She writes back:

Your advocating porn as acceptable is equally scary. Let's hope it lead to rape or sexual abuse of any child or person in your own life. You are a sick woman. Someone needs to take that pen out of your had.. your ego is way too big.

She writes back again:

I meant to say I hope that it DOES NOT LEAD to rape or sex abuse in your own life.

Typical crapthink, promoted by angry feminists with fistfuls of bad data. The studies of those who aren't "advocacy researchers" debunk this notion. Gad Saad details a number of them in a terrific new book, The Evolutionary Bases of Consumption, showing that, for example, with "exponential growth in the availability of sexually explicit materials available on the Internet from 1995 to 1999, the rate of forcible rape (as obtained from FBI data) during that period has steadily declined." This is just one example. I've read numerous other examples like this in Saad's book, and in the past, debunking the notion that porn leads to hatred of or violence to women.

Hmmm, speaking of violence and hatred, I wonder how this woman who wrote me would respond if I, in the mode of her bloodlust to dismember a man for eyeballing a few naked titties, suggested a similar punishment for a woman who, say, had an affair with the neighbor? Off with an arm...a leg...whatever!

I mean, she was asking for it, huh? - from here
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A finding from Jezebel:

Have You Ever Beat Up A Boyfriend? Cause, Uh, We Have

Psychiatry News has a piece out this month about how men shouldn't be overlooked as victims of domestic violence, saying that:

    Women are doing virtually everything these days that men are—working as doctors, lawyers, and rocket scientists; flying helicopters in combat; riding horses in the Kentucky Derby. And physically assaulting their spouses or partners.

According to a study of relationships that engage in nonreciprocal violence, a whopping 70% are perpetrated by women. So basically that means that girls are beating up their BFs and husbands and the dudes aren't fighting back. With Amy Winehouse busting open a can of whupass on her husband last week, we decided to conduct an informal survey of the Jezebels to see who's gotten violent with their men. After reviewing the answers, let's just say that it'd be wise to never ever fuck with us.
One Jezebel got into it with a dude while they were breaking up, while another Jez went nuts on her guy and began violently shoving him. One of your editors heard her boyfriend flirting on the phone with another girl, so she slapped the phone out of his hands and hit him in the face and neck... "partially open handed." Another editor slapped a guy when "he told me he thought he had breast cancer." (Okay, that one made us laugh really hard.) And lastly, one Jez punched a steady in the face and broke his glasses. He had discovered a sex story she was writing about another dude on her laptop, so he picked it up and threw it. And that's when she socked him. He was, uh, totally asking for it.
Men Shouldn't Be Overlooked as Victims of Partner Violence [Psychiatry Online]

Comments:
*  washionfore at 06:51 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
Yes, that made me laugh really hard too. Very very hard.
I have slapped a man down before, quite hard, but I love him so I felt bad because, well, it's abusive.

* ThaKadinskyPapers at 06:55 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
@washionfore: Same here. But I slapped him on his birthday, for telling me something I asked him to tell  me in the first place - and then a whole bunch of other shit happened (why didn't I see this informal survey?)
I still feel bad about it....

* warmaiden at 06:59 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
*snicker* It's okay, ladies. They can just consider it payback for binding our feet, shoving our chunklet asses into corsets, leaving chick babies on mountaintops, droolin over size 0 asses, and generally making us miserable for centuries. My favorite phrase that no one doubts? "I will punch you in the neck."
Then again, as a native NYer, I am also of the opinion that if a woman hits a man, he is allowed to hit her back. (I find the southern gentleman thing so CUTE, if ill-advised as a defense tactic.) Fair's fair, after all...

* ceejeemcbeegee at 07:01 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
Beating up on your man is just as wrong as beating up on your woman. I think sometimes women take advantage of the fact that most men KNOW they'd better not hit a woman, because the consequences are (rightfully) dire.
My father taught me that if I raise my fits to anyone, man or woman, be prepared for a fight. Which is why I keep my hands to myself.

* probationer at 07:03 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
Yeah, I've punched the shit out of a guy. But I don't like to brag.

* weavingissexy at 07:07 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
I once dated an alcoholic (rite of passage for all good little girls) who came over drunk and got in my face. I punched him hard enough to knock him on his ass. After I dumped him, he served me with a restraining order, which I proudly showed off to all his friends. Stupid wimp.

* azi at 07:07 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
When I was 17 I was fighting with my boyfriend in the car and he put the car into neutral (from drive) when I wasn't looking. I punched him dead in the face and have regretted it ever since. More recently a male friend of mine, while in the throes mind you, told me he liked me, "but only with a small l". I bit him so hard he had a mark for a week. And it wasn't because I was so turned on. I regretted it again (I am a well of regret) but I have to say I think he may have had it coming.

* justifythis at 07:32 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
The only time I punched my husband (in the arm, but hard) it sucked. We were arguing about something I felt strongly about, but the minute I punched him, he won. I'd love to be more noble, and say how bad I felt, but I actually just realized that losing control was an easy way to actually lose.
  
* BitterDryedUpHag at 07:50 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
Come on ladies, where are the shelters for battered men? Guys turning up in the emergency rooms with black eyes, broken noses?
My Ex told me his former lover beat him. I was a bit startled when I met her. He is 6'3" about 195 lbs.; she was 5' and appeared to weigh literally 98 lbs.
Battered men? The question is, are these men really physically afraid?

* groupie at 07:50 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
I slap my boyfriend on a semi-regular basis. It always hurts me more than it hurts him. And he usually agrees that he deserves it.

* larala at 07:57 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
@Go Like Hell Machine: Yeah. I understand that hitting is bad on both sides -- but let's be realistic. We're talking about two completely different weapons. The average woman's fist versus the average guy's fist is like a wiffle bat versus a crowbar.
I'll also admit that I've bitten two different guys on two different occasions, and I'm ashamed and disturbed about it. I don't think anyone should ever feel all "you go girl" about being violent.

petronella at 08:40 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
Yes, please, let's not forget the poor men, who make up a whopping 15% of the domestic violence victims (nonsarcastic saide: this includes situations in which the violence is mutual, or the woman used violence in response to violence), who are far less likely to be hurt by domestic violence given the differences in size and strength between most men and women, and who aren't laboring under lifetimes of oppressive gender hierarchy. I'm glad that you raised awareness of this terrible scourge so that we can convince the public that more of the ample, nay, surplus of resources that we throw at aleviating domestic violence against women can now be re-channeled to help the poor, oppressed men. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of the dudes.

scorpiojamie11 at 09:06 PM on 08/28/07 Reply by Email
I think every man I have been with has received a slap from me. Every single one deserved it, says alot about my taste in men!
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From a show called  "Here Come the Newlyweds" - comment by Kim

Dr. Ruth (psychosexual therapist extraordinaire) was a visitor on the show, there to advise the couples in matters of intimacy and answer any questions they may have. One of the husbands, a Mr. Huffman, knowing Mrs. Huffman was a bit uncomfortable discussing matters of a sexual nature in public, as a joke, pretended his wife wanted to ask a question. Once it had been cleared up that she didn't, the camera showed Mrs. Huffman berating her husband under her breath and telling him that she was going to punch him "in the nuts" later on.

In the couple's rooms, cameras are placed to capture their conversations before going to bed. Clips are shown from all the couple's bedrooms. When it's time to check in on the Huffmans, we see the couple on the bed together and then Mrs. Huffman reaches over and, with closed fist, hits her husband in his genitals. Needless to say, he doubles up, says "Ow"....goes through the normal and expected stages of pain. While he's recovering from the blow, his wife is saying, "I told you! I told you!"....expressing that he knew this was coming and was well deserved for his actions. He,in an obviously hurt and injured tone, said something along the lines of "we're not going to be able to have kids if you keep doing this,".....leaving one to wonder how common this form of retaliation is in their marriage.[...] Incidentally, the scene ended with her "kind of" forgiving him and allowing a good night peck.

Now, let's go back and imagine the exact same scenario in reverse. Imagine had Mrs. Huffman played a little joke on her husband and he'd muttered under his breath that when they got back to the room he was going to punch her in her genitals. Imagine that, when they got back to the room, Mr. Huffman did indeed punch his wife in the genitals (all caught on camera, of course), telling her as she cringed in pain "I told you! I told you!"

Would Mr. and Mrs. Huffman still be on their little reality show competing with couples? Or would cops have busted into their room that very night and dragged Mr. Huffman away? Instead of trying to win cute little competitions with his wife, Mr. Huffman would be sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial for domestic violence. His picture would be on every paper and his name on every news station where the clip documenting the unthinkable, horrific abuse of his wife would be played every hour on the hour. The general shock and outrage would be palpable.

9 comments:

  1. Am a lawyer. I work sometimes in domestic violence court. Violence against men happens--there are battered men, battered pets, battered lesbians, batter homosexuals, battered children.

    Violence is the problem. Its all part of the same thing. Violence creates violence in relationships--she hits him, suddenly it becomes acceptable for him to defend himself--the kids see this and think violence is an acceptable dispute resolution skill.

    Often both sides of a domestic dispute need to go to anger management.

    To say woman on man violence is at any time acceptable is almost a paper tiger cause its so stupid.

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  2. You better save the screen shots because eventually they are going to take this down when they understand how bad press it is for them.

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  3. ....because going into a strip club is Abuse...

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  7. A lot of women in both the blog and the comments are disgusting. there is a huge emotional factor in any abuse. men should never beat their women but it seems almost commonplace for women to physically assault their men. I was once with a woman that would often strike me and the pain has little to do with the streangth of the abuser

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